Loss...

[Big Tony Cuellar]

The loss of John is more than tragic...I knew of John long before the day I met him at his wedding to Krista, my dear and like-long true friend. Long before even she was sure, she would speak of this man who had touched her so deeply, with both hesitation and something much more, enduring is a memory of what her voice contained.
From the wedding day forward it was a simple transition to love this man.
It is a lonliness to lose the sincerity and authenticity that John embodies. There are never more than a handful of men on the planet at any one time that carry the unbridles passion with integrity as John has. No games, no buying and selling with either love or frindship....he validated the qualities of life that are close to my own heart, in a world that has never had an affection towards them. In a world that knows those qualities inherently from a distant memory...., which is how, in the midst of the "fuckin' this, fucking' that', fuckin mutheruckers" emphasis that so eloquently graced John's manner of expression, the world in contact with him was disarmed, endeared to him....that faint memory of authenticity that lives in all was touched by John....that is so rare. It is that very same quality that lives within Krista, and bound them so closely together.
Walking through the ranch yesterday afternoon was a bitter reminder of things left undone. The steel beams and trusses we had taken down in some town, loaded up and brought back to the ranch for some future project still laying beside the road where we had left them....the imagination and vision for them fading as the grasses grow up through them....
Only the palest of reminders of what truly is left undone...seen with an intense desperation as these magnificent children moved through everything..... their father taken from them, irreplaceable. His blood is embedded for life in them...., yet his living breathing strength and love and arms that need to hold them, his mind that needs to teach them...just lost.
Unfathomable is the loss to Krista......she is the longest living true and honest friend. I don't think anyone can quite live the bitter defeat of love as she will...
It is the stark and lonely reminder of these words...

"I want to know if you are willing
To live day by day
With the consequence of love
And the bitter unwanted passion
Of your sure defeat."

Krista, my love.....and to everyone who loved John and Krista deeply enough to know the consequence of loving them both...
My heart goes to you.... Tony

[Krista Clem-O'Sullivan]

Tony as always is the case you have touched my heart with your kind and sincere words. I cannot tell you the depth of my dispair or the loss I feel for my soul mate. Nor can I express the yearning I have to meet him in Tír na nÓg and see his beautiful joyous countenance and feel the strength of his physical presence encompassing me. Thank you for sharing your love for John which I have felt from so many, but which you have eloquently described as so few can or will. I love you Tony, as did John, and as do the children.